Sunday, 4 December 2011

"A Rose Moment"

 Have you ever seen that Friends’ episode where Monica’s Mum (Mom) uses the saying ‘Pulled a Monica’ to highlight the fact that she always seemed to mess things up and that it had become such a regular occurrence that she had fashioned a phrase for it? Well, if you hadn’t, you should kind of know what I am going on about now. Basically I had a similar incident the other day. There I was happily eating one of my specialities - plain Pasta - when my Mum rang. Instead of the usual happy greeting and general gossiping we normally have about our days, my Mum jumped straight in there with “I’ve just had ‘A Rose Moment’!”. Well, gee, thanks Mum.

 The worst thing is, I knew straight away what she meant. Basically she had done something either really embarrassing, stupid, awkward, strange, or if she had tried as hard as I normally do, all four. I was slightly confused as to what it might be, because most of my ‘Rose Moments’ include a Boy, or something to do with a Boy with a nice fringe. (I only generally only tend to find Boys attractive if they have nice fringes) You see, my Mum is married... to my Dad. And to be honest it really freaks me out when I can see Men flirting with her, never mind if she was to flirt back.

 There was once a time we were in a restaurant in Sheffield and this waiter was clearly checking her out. He kept looking over and at one point he caught her eye and actually winked! Now don’t get me wrong, my Mum is bloomin’ gorgeous but I got really protective and told her, in my anger, to lift her left hand up and “SHOW HIM YOU’RE WEDDED!”

 But her Rose Moment wasn’t about her own flirting. No. It was connected to my own.

 A few years ago, I was with someone I like to call Actor Boy. Yes, for obvious reasons I gave him his name, but also because he used his acting skills to his advantage in life as well. He cheated on me. At the time, I thought it was just the once, but now I have come to find out it was not only on several occasions but also with several different girls. And the way he has tried to contact me when I can see plain as day he is in a relationship on Facebook, makes me sure that there are more I don’t know about even to this day. Yes, he wouldn’t win Boyfriend of the year, but in truth there wasn’t just two of us in the relationship: Me, Actor Boy and Actor Boys Mum.

 In truth, because I was younger I didn’t know how to handle the woman. I think if I was to meet her afresh now, as her sons girlfriend, I would of been a lot more resilient and handled her better. But I was nieve, and it was totally unexpected to have a boyfriends Mum who didn’t like me. All of my previous boyfriends mums were always really lovely. One of them actually bought me a bunch of flowers. Not for any particular reason, just because she apparently saw them and thought of me. So it was always going to be a shock to the system to go from that to a woman who openly told me she didn’t want me to visit her house.

 I couldn’t think of anything I had possibly done wrong. I sat with my Mum many times crying about how awful it made me feel, and in the end she won. Even though it wasn’t the residing factor of the break up, it was certainly was a relief to not have to deal with her bitchy comments and conniving.

 My Mum is like the Mafia, as soon as someone has upset me or one of her girls (or even old men in the street) she makes life very difficult for the offender. Also being the brilliant woman that she is, she never makes it obvious. She always makes it very clever and sickly sweet, so at the time the person has no idea they are being ripped to shreds. I have said it before, and I will say it again: My Mum is a Babe.

 So now you know the LONG of it (I have just realised how long winded I have made that) you will realise my Mums horror when she saw Actor Boys’ Mum in the Zara changing rooms. Just like I would of done, she panicked. She saw the side of face and immediately rushed into the nearest cubicle without even looking if there was anyone in there. Luckily there wasn’t and as soon as she had finished trying on she snook out of the shop to ring me. Not in a thief kind of way, just the necessary amount of sneakiness.

 So just because my Mum had done something really stupid, she called it a ‘Rose Moment’. Great, just great.

 I must admit I have a lot of ‘Rose Moments’ and being at University hasn’t made these moments intellectually less common, but more so. Here is my Top Ten since being at Uni - in no particular order.

1. Accidentally coming onto the maintenance guy by walking into the office and saying ‘You want to come to my room?’ because I thought it was the one I had been talking to on the phone who was going to change my mattress.

2. Falling over my suitcase and flat onto my face on the train was a real treat. Especially when a woman had to ask me to move because I was laughing to hard to stand up and she couldn’t get past me to get off the train.

3. Ringing the maintenance guy because my key had all of sudden broken and wouldn’t fit in the lock. Then realising I wasn’t on the right floor.

4. Thinking ‘there is something missing from this address’ before posting it and my friend texting me saying ‘Have you sent me a letter that has poo written on the back of it, because there is no name on it’.

5. Walking in on my voice coach having a nap in the Radio Studio and saying ‘Oh, I am so sorry’ but then instead of hastily walking out, deciding to stand there just staring at her for a good ten seconds.

6. Getting pipped at and at first thinking it was because I had a short skirt on and after pretending to be angry feminist, realising it was because I had dropped my Shorthand notebook. It was a horrible walk of shame.

7. Dropping a £2 pound coin on the floor at the bus stop, and being so terrified my trousers would rip, just leaving it. Then after getting on the bus realising I didn’t have enough change, so having to say to the conductor ‘One second I seem to have misplaced my money’. Then casually going over to exactly where the coin was, steadily bending down and being conscious of not breathing and getting back on the bus. All of the passengers and the driver looked at me like I was a tramp.

8. Offering the fit lad sitting next to me on the train some of my chocolate and him replying “Yeah, if I can have your number” and instead of reeling off my phone number, very stupidly saying “Oh okay” and putting the chocolate back in my bag and sitting there awkwardly for the next half an hour. Maybe this is a good time to tell those of you who think I am an absolute idiot, that I started another Man Detox that day, and what would of giving him my number have proved? That I have no self control, that’s what! (All of you lot know that I don’t have any self control, so I might as well of just given the unbelievably fit guy my number shouldn’t I?)

9. Doing an article for my assessment on HIV AIDS figures in the UK and after ringing numerous AIDS charities and having no one pick up, finally realising that it was the 1st December.... World AIDS Day. Great investigative Journalist I am going to be.

10. Getting really excited that I thought Leicester football team were at the same service station as me and running up to two of them whilst they were having a wee in the bush. I realised that they weren’t who I thought they were just as I was asking them if they played for Leicester, and them replying with “No, Middlesborough”. And just to kick them whilst they were down, then saying “Oh. Well can I have a picture with you anyway?”

Never a dull moment, is there?

Live. Laugh. Love