I guess a date could never start out right when the man involved texts you around half an hour before about the fact that he didn't realise you were ginger. But I'm afraid it was too late for this poor sucker to get out of the date, as he was already on the train.
A few weeks ago, I left my number on the bill and gave it to the waiter at a restaurant I visited. Never expecting a text, or any form of communication, me and my mum laughed about it for a good few hours. Until I got a text and I was absolutley flabbergasted ( <-- I love that word). And a week later, it turned out that I had a date.
As my mum pulled up at the train station, I couldn't exactly remember what he looked like, apart from the fact I knew he was fit. Which left me staring at the boy who had been waiting for me for half an hour, trying to work out whether I could of pulled something who was that unbelievably gorgeous. So I hid myself round the corner and acted shocked as he said my name (And even after 10 or more years of acting classes I still couldn't act the right amount of shocked and, as I recall my face must of looked like he had just shot a kitten).
As he had never visited my area, I agreed to 'show him the city', which only really sounds good when your living in a film in New York. And after 20 minutes of nervous conversation on my part, I had shown him 'the city'. At which point we decided to go to the cinema. But OH NO! my life is such a failure that we ended up seeing some French film, which was based on the animated characters from the Cravendale Milk adverts.
At this point you would think that things couldn't get any better. You'd be wrong. ( But you would be right to detect sarcasm)
After 75 minutes of painful watching, and not evan a cheeky yawn/arm round me, I had already given up hope of ever being able to talk in a sane way to him, and we walked back to the train station. It actually got slightly better, we had a conversation, and I felt a little more at ease.
Then it came to the goodbye. The worst part of any date, and this was the worst date in history!
It involved him going into the train station and me getting into a taxi. My exact words were 'Ermm, Im gonna get that taxi. Thankyou' and with a half-hearted hug, he said something along the lines of it being 'good'. A lie, if I ever did hear one. And I got into a taxi and never looked back at him and I sobbed, to which the taxi driver asked what was a matter, and I replied 'My dog has been run over'
I have never had a dog. I have no idea where that came from. But that excuse sounded alot better to me than admitting my failure as a woman.
As it goes I really dont know what the hell happened to me. I was faced with an absolutley gorgeous lad, with a really sexy accent, and I couldn't string two words together that didn't make me sound like an absolute wierdo. He was absolutley lovely. I wasn't myself at all. All my outgoing personality got locked up in a box inside me, and all the way throughout the date, was kicking and screaming to come out.
And now, whilst drowning my sorrows, it's made me think: why do our personalities change around certain people? Why do someones looks determine how we treat them, and act around them? And why is it when faced with everything you want, something happens for you too throw it all away.
As it goes, it probably wasn't meant to be. I mean I would love to be able to wipe the slate clean with him, so I could be myself, if I was too ever see him again. But as I have now deleted his number, it is totally in his hands. Something of which I am alot more comfortable with.
Ahh well it wasn't all bad to be honest, as he started out by complimenting me on my blogs, which for me, makes me happier than anyone ever saying I look nice, or even falling in love.
Wednesday, 27 October 2010
Sunday, 24 October 2010
Frape!
Around a month ago I was using the computer at the gym and found that a man had not logged out of his Facebook. The first thought that came to my head was that I could do some serious Facebook rape here, and if it were any of my friends I would of. But I then thought of the amount of power that I had right in front of me. It may sound like an exageration, but I actually had the power to seriously alter, or ruin someones life.
Other than the standard status update of 'I AM COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET, FINALLY', there are some serious things I could do. Maybe sending private messages to friends and saying awful things on chat to family members. And thinking about this made me really scared.
How much power do we have to potentially ruin someones life?
If I had taken the full opputunity of being logged onto someone elses Facebook, I could of possibly ruined his social, work and family life, right there on the Internet.
But in every day life, what we say about someone could change someones life.
What you may think of as a harmless little rumor could knock someones self-esteem or change their friendships and potential friendships.
As a girl I've had lots of rumors made about me, and countless people gossiping about what I get up to, but do people ever realise how much it hurts?
I wish I was one of those people that could turn round and say 'I dont care what people say about me' but I'm not because I dont think anyone can truly say that. Even when I'm driving and someone pips at me, I worry because they think badly of me, which I admit is a little bit strange.
Just think about the last time you heard a horrible rumor that had gone round about yourself, you were hurt right?
But just how often, when passing on some gossip about someone else, do think about how hurt you would be?
How often do you think about how crap that person feels knowing that everyone is talking and laughing about the mistake they made?
That person you may be laughing about is a person just like you. And they will have to live with knowing that everyone knows about perhaps a split second wrong decision that they made. Because you would feel pretty crap aswell, you know you would.
Im no angel, and I would like to meet someone who could truthfully put there hand and say they have never passed on a rumor about someone. And granted, there are some people, who have done horrible things to me, so much so that I feel morally obliged to pass rumors on about them. But maybe next time when you hear a rumor about someone, think how crap you would feel if that rumor was about you. And, as Chezza Cole said last night, just because someones life may seem like a circus, its still there life, and it shouldn't be your entertainment.
But if the rumor is really funny, it's fine. :)
Live
Laugh
Love
Other than the standard status update of 'I AM COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET, FINALLY', there are some serious things I could do. Maybe sending private messages to friends and saying awful things on chat to family members. And thinking about this made me really scared.
How much power do we have to potentially ruin someones life?
If I had taken the full opputunity of being logged onto someone elses Facebook, I could of possibly ruined his social, work and family life, right there on the Internet.
But in every day life, what we say about someone could change someones life.
What you may think of as a harmless little rumor could knock someones self-esteem or change their friendships and potential friendships.
As a girl I've had lots of rumors made about me, and countless people gossiping about what I get up to, but do people ever realise how much it hurts?
I wish I was one of those people that could turn round and say 'I dont care what people say about me' but I'm not because I dont think anyone can truly say that. Even when I'm driving and someone pips at me, I worry because they think badly of me, which I admit is a little bit strange.
Just think about the last time you heard a horrible rumor that had gone round about yourself, you were hurt right?
But just how often, when passing on some gossip about someone else, do think about how hurt you would be?
How often do you think about how crap that person feels knowing that everyone is talking and laughing about the mistake they made?
That person you may be laughing about is a person just like you. And they will have to live with knowing that everyone knows about perhaps a split second wrong decision that they made. Because you would feel pretty crap aswell, you know you would.
Im no angel, and I would like to meet someone who could truthfully put there hand and say they have never passed on a rumor about someone. And granted, there are some people, who have done horrible things to me, so much so that I feel morally obliged to pass rumors on about them. But maybe next time when you hear a rumor about someone, think how crap you would feel if that rumor was about you. And, as Chezza Cole said last night, just because someones life may seem like a circus, its still there life, and it shouldn't be your entertainment.
But if the rumor is really funny, it's fine. :)
Live
Laugh
Love
Wednesday, 20 October 2010
Old People & Bingo
As human beings we are quick to pick up on other peoples faults. The things that annoy us about other people, and make us angry, also things that we dont agree with and we wouldn't do ourselves.
But have you ever thought of what other people think YOUR faults are? Whether you talk about yourself to much, your always late or that you are really lazy?
There are two types of people on this earth: people who critisise themselves too much and people who critisise others too much.
I know I critisise myself too much. I lay awake at night unable to sleep, regretting little things I have said and whether people have taken things the wrong way, and what the subsequently think of me.
I also know people who critisise others so much that they dont seem to see there own faults. Sometimes it's a little bit like they are calling someone fat when they themselves are 10 stone overweight, or calling someone vain whilst checking themselves out in a shop window.
People like this make me want to scream!
The worst people for it are pensioners. Now I'm not being ageist, but what is it about old people and critisising others? My theory is that they have so much time to sit and think about people, and maybe they regret the things they didn't do when they were young, so there maybe abit of jelous.
But the other day I was helping out at an old peoples Bingo night and I met a lovely lady, who, when asked what perfume she was wearing answered 'Oh, Britney Spears'. Now this old lady was sat next to me and said something really inspirational to me. She said 'Whats the point in being miserable? It means your not enjoying your life, and evan though I'm nearly over the hill, I still have a good laugh'. Now if more people thought like that, the world would be a better place. Because she's right, why are we critisising others and ourselves when we could just move on and be happy. There are always going to be things that annoy us and make us angry about others. But who are WE to make others upset? And who are WE to make others feel like crap?
What that little, feisty old lady said and believed made me, more than ever want to have a happy and exciting life, so that when I'm old, I will lots of stories to tell instead of complaining and critisising. And trust me that old lady had alot of stories to tell, that are not are not fit to repeat!
If you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all.
Now thats over and done with, I would like to apoligise for the lack of blogs recently.
But hopefully I'm now back to filling you in on my very chaotic way of thinking.
And as always, thankyou very much to absolutly anyone who reads my blogs, it means an awful lot :)
LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE.
But have you ever thought of what other people think YOUR faults are? Whether you talk about yourself to much, your always late or that you are really lazy?
There are two types of people on this earth: people who critisise themselves too much and people who critisise others too much.
I know I critisise myself too much. I lay awake at night unable to sleep, regretting little things I have said and whether people have taken things the wrong way, and what the subsequently think of me.
I also know people who critisise others so much that they dont seem to see there own faults. Sometimes it's a little bit like they are calling someone fat when they themselves are 10 stone overweight, or calling someone vain whilst checking themselves out in a shop window.
People like this make me want to scream!
The worst people for it are pensioners. Now I'm not being ageist, but what is it about old people and critisising others? My theory is that they have so much time to sit and think about people, and maybe they regret the things they didn't do when they were young, so there maybe abit of jelous.
But the other day I was helping out at an old peoples Bingo night and I met a lovely lady, who, when asked what perfume she was wearing answered 'Oh, Britney Spears'. Now this old lady was sat next to me and said something really inspirational to me. She said 'Whats the point in being miserable? It means your not enjoying your life, and evan though I'm nearly over the hill, I still have a good laugh'. Now if more people thought like that, the world would be a better place. Because she's right, why are we critisising others and ourselves when we could just move on and be happy. There are always going to be things that annoy us and make us angry about others. But who are WE to make others upset? And who are WE to make others feel like crap?
What that little, feisty old lady said and believed made me, more than ever want to have a happy and exciting life, so that when I'm old, I will lots of stories to tell instead of complaining and critisising. And trust me that old lady had alot of stories to tell, that are not are not fit to repeat!
If you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all.
Now thats over and done with, I would like to apoligise for the lack of blogs recently.
But hopefully I'm now back to filling you in on my very chaotic way of thinking.
And as always, thankyou very much to absolutly anyone who reads my blogs, it means an awful lot :)
LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE.
Saturday, 21 August 2010
Time of death: AS Level results day.
On Thursday morning I woke up with a distinct feelinG in my stomach. And no, unfortunatly it wasn't butterflies. It was a feeling of sickening anticipation. AS Level results day.
They say that a lot can change in a year. But I think evan more can change in a day.
If you no me well you will no that I hate waiting for things, although I have patience with people, I hate waiting for things to happen, so I no what I am going to ultimately do.
On Thursday morning I woke up knowing that in a few hours my life was going one of three ways.
1. If i passed well enough to get into my second year of 6th form I would be continuing with my A levels and going to University next year.
2. Failure. Didn't get into 6th form, move to brighton to go to college there.
3. Yet more failure. Go travelling. Mum take a gap year and travel the world and then come back and take a journilism course.
I had options, that was the good thing. One of the reasons I love my mum is that she comes up with amazing options for me.
Another reason I love my mum is, that on Thursday morning, my mum came into my room and wished me luck and said 'At the end of the day, is it the worst thing if you fail? Youv'e had fun this year, its been life changing. And if you dont do very well, then you get to go travelling round the world'.
Then I started hoping that I had failed! How much better does it sound to go travelling around the world than to stay at 6th form for another year and stress myself out sooo much?
And it got me thinking. When people say 'When one door closes in life another door opens' they are right. I know it might not be true for everything, but when one door closes it opens windows, letter boxes, cat flaps etc. Maybe the lesser option might not be the worst. Maybe failure opens up routes to sucess. And maybe, just maybe, the door that seems the most scary fills you with enough adreniline to get you what you want in life.
In the end, I got enough in my results to stay on at 6th form next year.
Oh well, nevermind.
Evan if you dont open up those doors when you have the oppurtunity the first time, you may be able to save the key until when you are ready.
Look behind that door and see whats there. Whats the worst that could happen?
:)
They say that a lot can change in a year. But I think evan more can change in a day.
If you no me well you will no that I hate waiting for things, although I have patience with people, I hate waiting for things to happen, so I no what I am going to ultimately do.
On Thursday morning I woke up knowing that in a few hours my life was going one of three ways.
1. If i passed well enough to get into my second year of 6th form I would be continuing with my A levels and going to University next year.
2. Failure. Didn't get into 6th form, move to brighton to go to college there.
3. Yet more failure. Go travelling. Mum take a gap year and travel the world and then come back and take a journilism course.
I had options, that was the good thing. One of the reasons I love my mum is that she comes up with amazing options for me.
Another reason I love my mum is, that on Thursday morning, my mum came into my room and wished me luck and said 'At the end of the day, is it the worst thing if you fail? Youv'e had fun this year, its been life changing. And if you dont do very well, then you get to go travelling round the world'.
Then I started hoping that I had failed! How much better does it sound to go travelling around the world than to stay at 6th form for another year and stress myself out sooo much?
And it got me thinking. When people say 'When one door closes in life another door opens' they are right. I know it might not be true for everything, but when one door closes it opens windows, letter boxes, cat flaps etc. Maybe the lesser option might not be the worst. Maybe failure opens up routes to sucess. And maybe, just maybe, the door that seems the most scary fills you with enough adreniline to get you what you want in life.
In the end, I got enough in my results to stay on at 6th form next year.
Oh well, nevermind.
Evan if you dont open up those doors when you have the oppurtunity the first time, you may be able to save the key until when you are ready.
Look behind that door and see whats there. Whats the worst that could happen?
:)
Sunday, 15 August 2010
One Tree Hill makes my life make sense.
Think of your favourite song. Which is your favourite bit? Whats the ending like?
Think of your last relationship. Which was your favourite bit? What was the ending like?
A wise man once said ''Everything must come to an end''. Someone from One Tree Hill once said ''Every song has an ending Jake, but is that any reason not to enjoy the music? ''. Okay so ignore the Jake bit and do you get what I mean?
Some songs have really good endings. 'Your love is my drug' by Kesha for example. At the end of that song she says 'I like your beard', which I personally think is a great ending. But I hate those songs that dont really have an ending, the ones that just fade out. I hate relationships that just fade out, that don't have an explosive ending, that you don't have any emotion for. Is it really stupid of me to say that i would rather end a relationship with an explosive argument than an argreement to just be friends? Wheres the excitement in that? Because it certainly wont go down in history.
One of my most memorable breakups, involved me sitting on my kitchen floor, crying, with half risen cakes in my hand. Now i'm not saying that was a nice thing to experiance (believe me it wasnt pretty), but you no what, it gave me something to write a song about. And it might be my warped brain, that always makes the best out of every BLOODY situation, but you no what, i've learnt my lesson from that relationship and breakup, so therefore, for me, it was a good ending.
At a festival I recently went to, I ended up camping next to an 'ex-boyfriend' (a term to be used loosly) of mine. We spent last summer together and to cut a long story short, it didnt end well, and I think it was the first time i've ever hated someone that much. But my new years resolution means I have to forgive everyone who has ever hurt me (the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life!).
I was dreading the thought of awkward looks and 'hello's' but we actually ended up talking for ages one night, and stayed up way after everyone else had gone to bed, just talking. There was no awkward silences or snide comments, it was just like it used to be.
It made me think. Why do we let our feelings of hate for someone who hurt us get in the way of us remebering the good times we had with them? After all, there must of been times when you had feelings for them, in order for them to get hurt.
Suddenly it makes sense. Just because a relationship enevitably has an ending, whether it be explosive or amicable, does that mean we can't have fun during the relationship?
And just because this life comes to an end, do we worry when we are going to die, or do we have fun and enjoy the time we have to the full? It's hard to always be happy, there are going to be times when its tough to evan get up in the morning. But just think your song could end at anytime, and whether it fades or you comment on someones beard, you no what, you can't replay it. So sing it loud and dance like crazy, cos before you no it, you could be listening to your encore. And how awful would it be not to get a standing ovation?
I will leave you with a quote from a song by my future husband Frank Turner - ''And if all you ever do with your life is Photosythesize. Then you deserve everyone of your sleepless nights, wondering when your gonna die''
Ooh and Hello to Josh Prime, the only person who reads my blogs :) Your a legend!
Live.Laugh.Love.
Think of your last relationship. Which was your favourite bit? What was the ending like?
A wise man once said ''Everything must come to an end''. Someone from One Tree Hill once said ''Every song has an ending Jake, but is that any reason not to enjoy the music? ''. Okay so ignore the Jake bit and do you get what I mean?
Some songs have really good endings. 'Your love is my drug' by Kesha for example. At the end of that song she says 'I like your beard', which I personally think is a great ending. But I hate those songs that dont really have an ending, the ones that just fade out. I hate relationships that just fade out, that don't have an explosive ending, that you don't have any emotion for. Is it really stupid of me to say that i would rather end a relationship with an explosive argument than an argreement to just be friends? Wheres the excitement in that? Because it certainly wont go down in history.
One of my most memorable breakups, involved me sitting on my kitchen floor, crying, with half risen cakes in my hand. Now i'm not saying that was a nice thing to experiance (believe me it wasnt pretty), but you no what, it gave me something to write a song about. And it might be my warped brain, that always makes the best out of every BLOODY situation, but you no what, i've learnt my lesson from that relationship and breakup, so therefore, for me, it was a good ending.
At a festival I recently went to, I ended up camping next to an 'ex-boyfriend' (a term to be used loosly) of mine. We spent last summer together and to cut a long story short, it didnt end well, and I think it was the first time i've ever hated someone that much. But my new years resolution means I have to forgive everyone who has ever hurt me (the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life!).
I was dreading the thought of awkward looks and 'hello's' but we actually ended up talking for ages one night, and stayed up way after everyone else had gone to bed, just talking. There was no awkward silences or snide comments, it was just like it used to be.
It made me think. Why do we let our feelings of hate for someone who hurt us get in the way of us remebering the good times we had with them? After all, there must of been times when you had feelings for them, in order for them to get hurt.
Suddenly it makes sense. Just because a relationship enevitably has an ending, whether it be explosive or amicable, does that mean we can't have fun during the relationship?
And just because this life comes to an end, do we worry when we are going to die, or do we have fun and enjoy the time we have to the full? It's hard to always be happy, there are going to be times when its tough to evan get up in the morning. But just think your song could end at anytime, and whether it fades or you comment on someones beard, you no what, you can't replay it. So sing it loud and dance like crazy, cos before you no it, you could be listening to your encore. And how awful would it be not to get a standing ovation?
I will leave you with a quote from a song by my future husband Frank Turner - ''And if all you ever do with your life is Photosythesize. Then you deserve everyone of your sleepless nights, wondering when your gonna die''
Ooh and Hello to Josh Prime, the only person who reads my blogs :) Your a legend!
Live.Laugh.Love.
Thursday, 5 August 2010
DELIVERY REPORTS vs LOVE
I never understood the reason for delivery reports until tonight. I've always thought people who had them were abit paranoid about people not texting them back, I've always felt very laid back to say 'they will text back if they want too'. But know i'm goin through a paranoid spell. I want to know whether the person has recieved my message, if they are going to reply, and what they are thinking. Yeh, I know some of that you can't work out form a delivery report, but you know what, I wish there was a report to say at least if they were thinking of replying! It would make my life right now so much easier, and it would mean I could get some sleep.
Now, I'm not about to pour my heart out and tell you who I want a reply from and why it's so important that they do (i'm not the openly emotional type). But the text message will kind of determine whether my heart will be a little bit bruised..... okay broken.
But then I find myself thinking: has this world become so unromantic, that things that determine someones heart, are done via text? And what's worse is, I am so bad via text. I am so uncharming via text. To be honest, I mess things up via text!
I've always found it really wierd how when my relationships (boyfriend/girlfriend type) break up i deal with it absolutly fine, and then when a relationship that never hits the boyfriend/girlfriend commitment stage, falls apart, I totally fall apart.
I think it's because, I have a big problem with not having closure. You see when a relationship ends, it's the END. When one of you makes the solid decision to not be with the other anymore. And thats closure alright, clean, pure, closure.
But when a undefined relationship fizzles to an end, when either of the couple involved decides 'NAH. This ain't for me' the other one is left with no answers, and no goodbye, no closure. That's why I end up in such a mess.
And that's where I see myself heading right now.
LIVE
LAUGH
DONT FALL IN LOVE (sorted)
x
Now, I'm not about to pour my heart out and tell you who I want a reply from and why it's so important that they do (i'm not the openly emotional type). But the text message will kind of determine whether my heart will be a little bit bruised..... okay broken.
But then I find myself thinking: has this world become so unromantic, that things that determine someones heart, are done via text? And what's worse is, I am so bad via text. I am so uncharming via text. To be honest, I mess things up via text!
I've always found it really wierd how when my relationships (boyfriend/girlfriend type) break up i deal with it absolutly fine, and then when a relationship that never hits the boyfriend/girlfriend commitment stage, falls apart, I totally fall apart.
I think it's because, I have a big problem with not having closure. You see when a relationship ends, it's the END. When one of you makes the solid decision to not be with the other anymore. And thats closure alright, clean, pure, closure.
But when a undefined relationship fizzles to an end, when either of the couple involved decides 'NAH. This ain't for me' the other one is left with no answers, and no goodbye, no closure. That's why I end up in such a mess.
And that's where I see myself heading right now.
LIVE
LAUGH
DONT FALL IN LOVE (sorted)
x
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
Boxes of crap
I am going through the process of cleaning and sorting out my bedroom, meaning trawling through endless boxes and shelves in my wardrobe and either sorting it or chucking it out. Coming to the end of the process and i have come to what is the worst bit, when there are pieces of crap, that you dont want to throw away but you are unable to sort out. Which is where my 'boxes of crap' come in. These items that have no place to be put go into a box full of the other 'crap' things, until the next time i have a sort out only to be put in 'boxes of crap' again.
So your thinking whats the point in this blog?
When i sat down after finally finishing the sort out i realised how my my bedroom is like my life, no matter how much i try to sort everything out and put it in its rightful place, there are still areas of my life that cant be completly sorted, no matter how well organised and 'tidy' and 'complete' my life seems to be there are always areas of it that cant be sorted out, no matter how much i try.
Until i thought of my life this way i have always tried to sort these areas of my life out without success. But it made me think: just because not everything is in perfect in my bedroom, does that mean i cant enjoy spending time in it, and just because there are messy areas of my life does that not mean i cant live it to the full?
Nothing in life is ever perfect, and you may not enjoy all of your life, but that just stresses the point that you have to live like there is no tommorow, because if you dont the 'boxes of crap' in your life will take over.
LIVE.
LAUGH.
LOVE.
x
So your thinking whats the point in this blog?
When i sat down after finally finishing the sort out i realised how my my bedroom is like my life, no matter how much i try to sort everything out and put it in its rightful place, there are still areas of my life that cant be completly sorted, no matter how well organised and 'tidy' and 'complete' my life seems to be there are always areas of it that cant be sorted out, no matter how much i try.
Until i thought of my life this way i have always tried to sort these areas of my life out without success. But it made me think: just because not everything is in perfect in my bedroom, does that mean i cant enjoy spending time in it, and just because there are messy areas of my life does that not mean i cant live it to the full?
Nothing in life is ever perfect, and you may not enjoy all of your life, but that just stresses the point that you have to live like there is no tommorow, because if you dont the 'boxes of crap' in your life will take over.
LIVE.
LAUGH.
LOVE.
x
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