Sunday, 30 January 2011

I am your Guru

Long time, No BLOG.

A while ago, I had a really horrific break up. You know, one of those ones where you eat tubs of Ben and Jerry's to yourself whilst sobbing and nodding along to 'He's just not that into you' . The ones where you replay everything in your head to try and work out the first signs of trouble, want to spit at any couple that look happy and download loads of cheesy 90's pop songs because you 'relate' to them. It's safe to say I've had a few. I think that there are two types of breakups: the ones where there's a possibility of getting back together and the ones where you know that's the end. Well, this was the later. So, therefore, I had to 'get over' him. I've never understood the term 'get over', I just think 'Well, when was I ever under him?' Oo-er.

How do you get over someone? And like whenever you want the answer to one of life's unanswerable questions, you google it. I looked at 'how to get over someone' and '10 quick tips on how to make him want you back' both equally stupid and both counted on every girl but me, in a 100 mile radius being stuck down with a terrible skin condition which meant they couldn't leave their house, use Facebook, or ring nor text anyone.

One thing I did sign up to though was a self-acclaimed 'Guru' called 'Christian Carter', who at first I thought was the greatest man in the world. He promised me that he would email me twice a week and give me detailed instructions on how to get any man I wanted. Like all relationships, the honeymoon period is the best. He always emailed when he said he would, listened to my problems (you can send in your dating dilemmas, and he picks the most common ones and writes an article about how to solve them) and always gave me the best advice. Then, like so many relationships, the honeymoon ended, and our communication started breaking down. He was always late and apologised profusely, and I am pretty sure he had the same relationship with me that he had with many other women. So I started ignoring his emails, and i found someone else called Dairy Milk, who has never once let me down. Alright, I'm going to stop now. I had had enough of him telling me everything I had ever done wrong in my relationships, that I added his email address to the spam bin and have never looked back, until the other day when a nervous sweat came over me that some of my UCAS emails may have been sitting in there unnoticed.

Christian carter calls himself a 'relationship coach' whatever one of those is. The last experience of a coach that I had was when I used to swim competitively, and her death stare when you got cramp still gives me nightmares to this day. Whenever I think about Christian being my 'relationship coach' I just get mental images of him making me drop and give him 30 sit-ups if I were to confess my toilet activities in the first 5 minutes of meeting a boy (which I seem to do a lot lately).

According to Christian Carter, these are the things that, if you remember, you are guaranteed a long and happy relationship:

1.Successful dating involves setting realistic match criteria
2.Successful dating involves establishing dating boundaries
3.Successful dating means being prepared and upbeat
4.Successful dating means keeping things simple and fun
5.Successful dating means dating the right people for you
6.Successful dating means being realistic about your expectations
7.Successful dating means being patient

Okay... So I automatically fail, seeing as the person I have my eye on at the moment is Andy Murray, and it would also help if I had a clue what dating boundaries are. Then there's number 3, I won't go into it now but I can remember I once went on a date with someone who I called 'Waiter boy' because I couldn't remember his name, and another where I started crying half way through because it was going so badly. I suggest you don't talk to me about simple - nothing in my dating life has ever been simple, especially when you realise your past 3 boyfriends have been with the same girl who once threw a fruit pastille at you for being ginger. The same again for 'the right person'; please take my advice when I say, don't carry on seeing someone who says his phone only rings and text's at certain times, because it's funny that a few past 'dates' have been on the same network that does this. Also, can we get it clear whether realistic expectation's are for a boy to send group text message to all the girls he has been seeing say 'Night, Beautiful' because if so, I've got that one covered. Oh please don't get me started on being patient, most of the toast I eat is still bread because I can't wait for our new toaster to work.

It's safe to say that these things sound really simple in theory, but in practice are a little more difficult (for me anyway). So I was looking on the internet as to how to become a 'Relationship Coach' and quite unbelievably you don't have take any exams or have any kind of real relationship experience to be one, so I figured I was more than qualified. (The exams being the English A-level I am taking at the moment, all about love and marriage, and blooming' 'eke does it make me want to commit sui). So from now on you can call me Rose - blog extraordinaire and relationship coach, and here are your Top Ten Dating Tips, that may not get you your Prince Charming but will definitely secure yourself a life alone, only to be found dead at 40 with you face half eaten by your cat.

1. '1471' is your best friend. It means that whenever you ring your 'waste of air' he will have to pick up to know its you, as opposed to breaking out into a sweat when he sees your name pop up on his phone. Also you can pretend those 23 missed calls he received in the middle of the night, must have been from someone abroad.

2. Talk about all of your past relationships on the first date, just so they are aware that you already know everything a boy will try to do break it off with you. He needs to have CSI planning to get out of this one.

3.Make sure wherever you go on a date has a toilet close to the door. Therefore, if it goes badly, you can pretend that you accidentally walked through the wrong door, got lost and had to go all the way home to the toilet.

4. Wear comfortable shoes, so that you can run, if you ever have to use tip 3.

5. Blind dates require you to be just that, as well as deaf. An attractive person will never go on a date set up by another person, they usually turn out to be incredibly desperate, there's a reason you have never set that date up yourself.

6. Don't tell someone you want to be friends when you split up with them. You split up with them because you don't want relationship with them, because what boyfriends' are are boys you are friends with who you can kiss. When you take away those benefits, you realise how fickle they are.

7. Always try to meet your date somewhere busy, and turn up late. Therefore if you don't like the look of them you can pull your hood over your head and walk on.

8. Don't be ashamed of the fact you were sick in your mouth when he said he 'has never felt this way about anyone before', you will probably do the same thing when you find out how many other girls he has said it too.

9. If you know he cheated on his last girlfriend, get one of those tablet sized tracker devices and put it in his food, therefore you will always know where he is, so that you can pop up at anytime. However, depending on how fast his digestive system is, it may lead you to a sewage works.

10. And finally, make sure that he definatly knows you are ginger before agreeing for a date with them