Saturday, 21 August 2010

Time of death: AS Level results day.

On Thursday morning I woke up with a distinct feelinG in my stomach. And no, unfortunatly it wasn't butterflies. It was a feeling of sickening anticipation. AS Level results day.
They say that a lot can change in a year. But I think evan more can change in a day.
If you no me well you will no that I hate waiting for things, although I have patience with people, I hate waiting for things to happen, so I no what I am going to ultimately do.
On Thursday morning I woke up knowing that in a few hours my life was going one of three ways.

1. If i passed well enough to get into my second year of 6th form I would be continuing with my A levels and going to University next year.

2. Failure. Didn't get into 6th form, move to brighton to go to college there.

3. Yet more failure. Go travelling. Mum take a gap year and travel the world and then come back and take a journilism course.

I had options, that was the good thing. One of the reasons I love my mum is that she comes up with amazing options for me.
Another reason I love my mum is, that on Thursday morning, my mum came into my room and wished me luck and said 'At the end of the day, is it the worst thing if you fail? Youv'e had fun this year, its been life changing. And if you dont do very well, then you get to go travelling round the world'.
Then I started hoping that I had failed! How much better does it sound to go travelling around the world than to stay at 6th form for another year and stress myself out sooo much?
And it got me thinking. When people say 'When one door closes in life another door opens' they are right. I know it might not be true for everything, but when one door closes it opens windows, letter boxes, cat flaps etc. Maybe the lesser option might not be the worst. Maybe failure opens up routes to sucess. And maybe, just maybe, the door that seems the most scary fills you with enough adreniline to get you what you want in life.

In the end, I got enough in my results to stay on at 6th form next year.

Oh well, nevermind.
Evan if you dont open up those doors when you have the oppurtunity the first time, you may be able to save the key until when you are ready.

Look behind that door and see whats there. Whats the worst that could happen?

Sunday, 15 August 2010

One Tree Hill makes my life make sense.

Think of your favourite song. Which is your favourite bit? Whats the ending like?
Think of your last relationship. Which was your favourite bit? What was the ending like?

A wise man once said ''Everything must come to an end''. Someone from One Tree Hill once said ''Every song has an ending Jake, but is that any reason not to enjoy the music? ''. Okay so ignore the Jake bit and do you get what I mean?
Some songs have really good endings. 'Your love is my drug' by Kesha for example. At the end of that song she says 'I like your beard', which I personally think is a great ending. But I hate those songs that dont really have an ending, the ones that just fade out. I hate relationships that just fade out, that don't have an explosive ending, that you don't have any emotion for. Is it really stupid of me to say that i would rather end a relationship with an explosive argument than an argreement to just be friends? Wheres the excitement in that? Because it certainly wont go down in history.
One of my most memorable breakups, involved me sitting on my kitchen floor, crying, with half risen cakes in my hand. Now i'm not saying that was a nice thing to experiance (believe me it wasnt pretty), but you no what, it gave me something to write a song about. And it might be my warped brain, that always makes the best out of every BLOODY situation, but you no what, i've learnt my lesson from that relationship and breakup, so therefore, for me, it was a good ending.
At a festival I recently went to, I ended up camping next to an 'ex-boyfriend' (a term to be used loosly) of mine. We spent last summer together and to cut a long story short, it didnt end well, and I think it was the first time i've ever hated someone that much. But my new years resolution means I have to forgive everyone who has ever hurt me (the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life!).
 I was dreading the thought of awkward looks and 'hello's' but we actually ended up talking for ages one night, and stayed up way after everyone else had gone to bed, just talking. There was no awkward silences or snide comments, it was just like it used to be.
It made me think. Why do we let our feelings of hate for someone who hurt us get in the way of us remebering the good times we had with them? After all, there must of been times when you had feelings for them, in order for them to get hurt.
Suddenly it makes sense. Just because a relationship enevitably has an ending, whether it be explosive or amicable, does that mean we can't have fun during the relationship?
And just because this life comes to an end, do we worry when we are going to die, or do we have fun and enjoy the time we have to the full? It's hard to always be happy, there are going to be times when its tough to evan get up in the morning. But just think your song could end at anytime, and whether it fades or you comment on someones beard, you no what, you can't replay it. So sing it loud and dance like crazy, cos before you no it, you could be listening to your encore. And how awful would it be not to get a standing ovation?

I will leave you with a quote from a song by my future husband Frank Turner - ''And if all you ever do with your life is Photosythesize. Then you deserve everyone of your sleepless nights, wondering when your gonna die''

Ooh and Hello to Josh Prime, the only person who reads my blogs :) Your a legend!


Thursday, 5 August 2010


I never understood the reason for delivery reports until tonight. I've always thought people who had them were abit paranoid about people not texting them back, I've always felt very laid back to say 'they will text back if they want too'.  But know i'm goin through a paranoid spell. I want to know whether the person has recieved my message, if they are going to reply, and what they are thinking. Yeh, I know some of that you can't work out form a delivery report, but you know what, I wish there was a report to say at least if they were thinking of replying! It would make my life right now so much easier, and it would mean I could get some sleep.
Now, I'm not about to pour my heart out and tell you who I want a reply from and why it's so important that they do (i'm not the openly emotional type). But the text message will kind of determine whether my heart will be a little bit bruised..... okay broken.
But then I find myself thinking: has this world become so unromantic, that things that determine someones heart, are done via text? And what's worse is, I am so bad via text. I am so uncharming via text. To be honest, I mess things up via text!
I've always found it really wierd how when my relationships (boyfriend/girlfriend type) break up i deal with it absolutly fine, and then when a relationship that never hits the boyfriend/girlfriend commitment stage, falls apart, I totally fall apart.
I think it's because, I have a big problem with not having closure. You see when a relationship ends, it's the END. When one of you makes the solid decision to not be with the other anymore. And thats closure alright, clean, pure, closure.
But when a undefined relationship fizzles to an end, when either of the couple involved decides 'NAH. This ain't for me' the other one is left with no answers, and no goodbye, no closure. That's why I end up in such a mess.
And that's where I see myself heading right now.



Wednesday, 4 August 2010

Boxes of crap

I am going through the process of cleaning and sorting out my bedroom, meaning trawling through endless boxes and shelves in my wardrobe and either sorting it or chucking it out. Coming to the end of the process and i have come to what is the worst bit, when there are pieces of crap, that you dont want to throw away but you are unable to sort out. Which is where my 'boxes of crap' come in. These items that have no place to be put go into a box full of the other 'crap' things, until the next time i have a sort out only to be put in 'boxes of crap' again.
So your thinking whats the point in this blog?
When i sat down after finally finishing the sort out i realised how my my bedroom is like my life, no matter how much i try to sort everything out and put it in its rightful place, there are still areas of my life that cant be completly sorted, no matter how well organised and 'tidy' and 'complete' my life seems to be there are always areas of it that cant be sorted out, no matter how much i try.
Until i thought of my life this way i have always tried to sort these areas of my life out without success. But it made me think: just because not everything is in perfect in my bedroom, does that mean i cant enjoy spending time in it, and just because there are messy areas of my life does that not mean i cant live it to the full?
Nothing in life is ever perfect, and you may not enjoy all of your life, but that just stresses the point that you have to live like there is no tommorow, because if you dont the 'boxes of crap' in your life will take over.



First Blog

'Poo' happens, you just wipe your 'bum' and get on with your life.
This is my blog. Something i thought i should do seen as i wasnt to be a writer/journalist/politician.
I have wierd thoughts
Please read and please be nice x