Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Three definitely isn't a lucky number

It has been a long time since I have been on a first date. To be completely frank, they scare the bejesus out of me. The last one I actually went on was with Australia Boy and I nearly killed us both in my car, got stuck in the toilet cubicle and for some reason got trapped between my seat and the table. You’d call that less than a successful date before I even include my terrible conversational skills.

I honestly don’t know what happens to me; I am someone who is able to talk for a whole hour with a stranger on a train and find out someone’s whole life story whilst stood in a toilet queue. However, when faced with someone that I have by some kind of miracle been asked out by, my brain turns to mush.

With all my strength I try to avoid date situations in general. My fear for them has got so bad that two months ago I turned down a date with a really gorgeous rugby player just because he wanted to take me to the cinema. Now you might think the cinema is a safer place for someone with my track record but you’re wrong. You see the movie theatre environment leaves me wide open for many embarrassing and downright awkward situations to arise. I can remember when I went on a date with Actor Boy to see Fast & Furious 4, and because I couldn’t hear what he had said I just laughed. He told me about a month later that he had actually asked me to be his girlfriend. I did wonder why his face dropped and he took his hand from mine.

There is also the possibility of going to the toilet mid-film (when I am nervous I tend to drink a lot of water) and sitting down next to the wrong boy. Yes, this has also happened to me. When I eventually got back to my actual seat and he said that he wondered where I had got to, instead of telling him the truth I decided to tell him that I had been to an Indian Restaurant for lunch. I hadn’t.

Luckily, I am a catastrophic flirt. I mean Ross from Friends is considered better than me. So I didn’t really have to worry about first date humiliation, as I was never getting there in the first place. Well, that’s what I thought.

Something has happened, I have no idea what, but somehow I have managed to get myself, not one, not two, but THREE dates. Three first dates. Please excuse me whilst I go down a whole bottle of Vodka.

All three have also asked me what I would like to do on the date. To be truly honest, if it was acceptable I would like to eat Tiramisu and watch ‘New Girl’. However, I have come to realise that is something I should do on my own because at least once or twice in the show I find myself either spitting out the pudding with laughter or crying. Even by my standards these are a first date killer.

But New Year, new outlook (Happy New Year you beautiful people), and I’m determined not to cancel on any of them just because of my irrational fear. It is on my list of New Year’s Resolutions, so I can’t break it less than 5 days in. So I’m going to suck it up and pretend that I am Gisele Bundchen (she seems like she would be good on first dates).

I am not trying or indeed am being a player; I don’t have time for that and a degree. Also can you just imagine having to remember three boys names? I used to struggle remembering Australia Boy’s name, and it was the same as my brothers. I just thought I would leave my options open, as I have never had options before.

So I have set myself some rules that have been expertly acquired from reliable sources such as Google, that I will apply to each date.

1. Don’t run away.

2. At no point think “Oh this would make a good blog”.

3. Don’t mention ‘Poo’ at any moment even if it would be funny.

4. Carry a compact mirror in my handbag so that when I meet them I don’t have mascara spread across my face.

5. Wear pants that don’t give me wedgies every two minutes.

6. Calm down my facial expressions.

7. Don’t wear high heels (Way too many possibilities of making a fool out of myself).

8. Don’t talk about my blog. At all.

9. Don't mention that in my spare time I like to watch people falling over on Youtube.

In all honesty after the whole mess with Australia Boy I lost all faith in boys. It really does say something when the people going for lie detector results on Jeremy Kyle have better relationships than you do.

I have decided it’s time now though. I never do things by halves and I do wonder how I get myself into these situations. But my twisted logic tells me that least one out of the three dates should be successful, shouldn’t it?

I will be back soon to let you know how they went… or didn’t. I never promised you I could pull it off!